he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you win again, gameday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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