Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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