Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
