wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
we're so committed to being not committed
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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