i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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