It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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