plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
