someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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