I will die if light touches me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
