if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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