I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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