it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
