Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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