It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
