I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
