She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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