physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
