You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
