I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
