Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
