brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
