used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hippo gnu deer
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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