some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
