Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
