Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
