you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
