haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
