we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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