haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
