im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
