Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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