Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
