a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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