im six kinds of drunk right now
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
