"it" just moved
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
