Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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