I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
