My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
