I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
