A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
