Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
