he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
