if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
