She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
