I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
