Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
