I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
