I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
