turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
