Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
