About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
