what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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