The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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