I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had to cum in my sink.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
