Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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