We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
