I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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