just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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