We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
