What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
