We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
