Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
